The Divorce Experts
My marriage ended in divorce. Although I’ve only been married once, it wasn’t my first divorce. I’ve been doing it since I was very young. I grew up believing that if you don’t like something, you just move on to the next thing.
I dated a lot of girls in high school and college. I wasn’t promiscuous but I gave my heart to a lot of women. I’ve never been the “casual” dating type of guy. Even if I tried, my heart always betrayed me. I couldn’t help but feel deeply. I had a false sense of intimacy with each girl I dated. I gave them my heart before it was time. One thing led to another and we would eventually “break up“.
I’ve had a lot of friends. All my relationships are intense. I like to go deep. I’m not much of a surface level kind of guy. I give all my heart to my closest relationships. I’ve also struggled with a lot of insecurity. I was terrible at confrontation. When things were great, my friendships soared. When things were difficult, they suffered. I’ve had friendships end with the “immediate break“. Others I’ve just let fade away. Even some of the closest ones.
I’ve been a part of a lot of churches. Some I just visited and some I connected into. I’m an all or nothing kind of guy so if I visit more than a few times, I begin to feel a connection. My heart tied into the vision and I formed relationships. But since no church is perfect, I’ve also been offended. I’ve disagreed with how things were done. I’ve disagreed with teaching. On different occasions I would end up “leaving“ to find a better church.
I’ve been practicing divorce for a long time. I’ve been sowing these mini-divorces in different areas of my life. When it was time to come into a real covenant, I wasn’t ready for the weight of commitment.
I know we all go through seasons of getting to know someone of the opposite sex and we realize they aren’t the one for us. There are friendships that only last for a season. There are churches that God brings us to for a specific time. I think that’s okay. But how many of those do we end in a healthy way? How many relationships do we divorce ourselves from?
Every time I gave my heart to someone then ended the relationship in an unhealthy way, I was practicing divorce. I told myself it was okay to leave. I justified the offense in my heart. I convinced myself that there was something better. I cheapened the value of relationships. Ultimately, I cheapened the value of covenant.
Society perpetuates this mentality. “Your happiness is most important. If you’re not happy, you should move on.“ But a consistent focus on self will lead you to divorcing your relationships. It’s a ploy to divide and conquer through deception. If we fall for it, we become divorce experts.
I’m aware of this now. I will no longer allow myself to take the easy way out of relationships. I value my relationships above all other things in my life. I am sowing that value today so I will reap a harvest in my covenants. My covenant with God. My covenant with the wife that God brings.
I will not condone divorce. I will not perpetuate it.
Divorce in my life ends now.
I can relate to the divorcing of friends for sure, moved alot as a kid. After you move every several months you give up on keeping in contact, then pretty soon you never have anything but aquaintances and no close friends. That and my parents went through a divorce, and my mom is on her third marriage now. Divorce is a worthless thing, isn’t it?
I didn’t know that you went through divorce. I can relate, and I see the analogy as you’ve made it. We do walk away from many things when a fight might be in order. There are also times when it’s time to move on, but good reminder to hang in there longer.
Yup, it was both the worst and best thing that happened to my life.
There definitely are times to move on but it’s typically not at the first inclination that you have to leave. Thankfully God always confirms these kinds of things. It’s just a matter of listening to His direction.
I like this. I can relate. I’ll be reading more of your stuff.
Thanks Stephen!
Amen Tony, this is a great word you speak. “Covenant,” and as Donald put it : “different from convenient.”
Tony, these are some powerful words right here. Thanks for being so honest and vulnerable with us. It doesn’t go unnoticed.
I, too, have practiced divorce in my words and actions in the past as well. I am grateful that God’s grace moves past even all those things all the time.
Me too man. Thankful for grace like an ocean. The only proper response is to change our minds about relationships.
This is so good Tony. I had someone tell me “you operate on the replacement theory” – in other words- there is always someone/something willing to step up and replace that which is making me unhappy. I call it my “cut and run” mentality… This year, my “one word” was Wonder… but I couldn’t get there, because in order to see God’s Wonder, I had to faithfully pursue it, and Him…. I realized I needed to work on my faithfulness… in the small things, in the big things… literally my brain gets to this point where I start hearing the refrain “it’s time to leave” “it’s time to leave” … and I either quit and leave or quit and stay… it’s a self-protection mechanism – I know – but I so desire to get through it and push through to the other side. So for the last 7 years, God has been working with me to stay in teh game (both mentally and physically)… to move through the pain to get to the blessing, to learn to confront so I don’t cut and run.
Divorce permeates so much of my mentality from a little girl onward, and I so long to move past it in so many ways. This was a great post Tony, totally appreciated your authenticity here
Thanks Jenny. I can relate. I’ve decided to share my story with transparency because I’ve found that when people can relate in a real way, they don’t feel alone. That’s the first step in understanding that God has something better us.
Tony, even now the Lord is preparing the right person for your life, just as He is preparing you for the right person. Have faith. Be open to His guidance, and walk in the trust that can only come by believing in His wonerful love for us.
I believe it! Thanks Zack!
I read this out loud and said Wow! Great perspective! I appreciate your transparency. I think it helps you relate to others. God bless!
Thanks Christine!
Thanks for sharing your heart, Tony. Deep words.
I’ve never been divorced but I did practice divorce for many seasons of life. Friendships, group functions – jobs. I experienced a fracture in my childhood so it just became easier to walk away, not feel pain or conflict. As you know, God binds that all up and lifts us to a place where we dont have to walk away. I’m trusting in that.
I’m trusting in that too, my friend.
This is really good stuff. I’ve been a runner, a divorce expert for a really long time. It’s been quite the process to unlearn that tendency. But there’s also something to be learned along the way about discerning when it is truly time to go; when God says its time. I’m in the middle of the painful process of letting go…after the first time I’d ever actually fought to hold on…
I know what that’s like all to well. I’m fiercely loyal, probably to a fault at times. That loyalty turns to stubbornness, even when God clearly tells me to move forward.
Thank you, Tony- That hit me pretty hard… in a good way. I am a “dive deep too soon” kind of person, too.
God bless you.
And thank you for letting God use you the way He does.
Sarah
Thanks Sarah! I know exactly what you mean. It’s a delicate balance, to be sure. I realize how much I need to lean on God to understand when to dive in and when to guard my heart.
Tony, I am really fascinated by your honesty and how comfortable you seem to be with your transparency. I know sometimes writing can be a healing place so it might come more naturally than writing, but I have to say, I’m really sorry for some of what you’ve been through. I know there are always two sides to everything, but you have a great perspective, my friend.
And I am with you. Although I am still married to my wife (thank GOD because Lord knows it’s been tested – often by me and my crazy head!), I have been guilty of deserting friends, old flames, and churches because of this, that, or the other. And I missed out on some amazing friendships. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable, Tony! God bless, brother!
Thanks for the feedback Bryan. I’ve finally come to a place where I’m at peace with what I’ve been through. I know that I have freedom because I don’t feel the same shame and condemnation like I did before. If God can use what I’ve been through to encourage others, then it was not all for nothing!
I’ve been divorced and I’ve been divorcing friends and boyfriends and churches my whole life.
I wrote about that in the post about long-distance relationships — I create distance in relationships because, because, because… and it’s never because of me, right?
I’m always tempted to just walk away when things get too intense. I’m always tempted to bolt when things don’t go my way, but faith, faithfulness and friendship calls me to stay.
Amen. I sense a new season coming for you Herdy.
Excellent Tony.
There is blessing in convenant and longevity – Galatians 6:9 – “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
You got it bro!
I’ve been meaning to tell you, Tony…
We need to talk.
Snort! Just kidding. Great analogy and post.
You so crazy!
It’s not you. It’s me.
Interesting thoughts Tony. I can look back and see the divorce mentality throughout my life as well. From girlfriends to sports to friendships and churches, I too have separated myself sometimes for no good reason. Maintaining committments is hard, but it is something that God is teaching me. Aside from my marriage, God has kept me in the same ministry for almost three years when I only expected (and wanted) only about 6 months. So, yeah, no more “divorce” for me.
That’s awesome. Thanks John.
Excellent thoughts, Tony. We are too governed by self and whims instead of knowing where and with whom God has placed us. Great way to describe this even if it hurts to realize I’ve been guilty plenty. Thanks.
We all have been, for sure. I’m ready to own up and make a change in my life.
Yes! I was raised in divorce, well before my parent’s actual divorce. Relationships, jobs, habits…if the going gets tough…RUN!
God is retraining me…and I’m eternally grateful!
I hear you. We gotta break that fight or flight mentality. Fear sucks!
Powerful post, Tony.
I’ve come to see in my life that the relationship (be it with God, friends, girlfriend, church, etc) actually gets better and deeper when you work through conflict together. It’s part of the stages of building true community: Honeymoon (where everything is great and awesome)
Conflict (where something happens that makes us want to run)
Community (grown beyond conflict and closer with each other)
Outreach (inviting others into community)
I think I have the opposite tendency than you – I will stay loyal to a friendship or church even when it is God saying to let go. I ended up getting burnt out and almost left ministry last year because I stayed at a church God told me to leave.
You’re such a teacher man. I love how you break this down!
I’ve been on the opposite side too. I’ve definitely stayed loyal way past time to move on. Burnout is one of the things that led to divorce for me.
Well, I can’t take all the credit for it. It’s part of some training I received for running small groups and developing them into true communities. But I have seen how it applies in so many other areas than just small groups.
It hurts a lot…I lnow…As you wrote I’ve already felt in the same way…what can we do?
What do I do? Just believe and wait! Believe in a God that sees everything and wants the best for us!
I’ve been traying to bring to my mind what Jesus has made in my life…wish you the best Elaine
Thanks Elaine. I appreciate you sharing.
Powerfully convicting, Tony.
I too seem to bail when things get tough.
I will not condone it anymore either.
That’s great man. Plus, I’m sure SG will appreciate that as well!
True… I am still in high school, and I don’t date. I won’t begin dating until I feel God wants me to get serious about getting married. I once heard that casual dating in high school and college prepares the way for divorce because you are used to leavign when things don’t go right…
That’s awesome Brandon! I wish I would have had more guidance when I was younger. It’s great to get to know girls but take your time. Also, going out in groups is highly recommended!
I taught a class to single guys that touched on this subject. If you’re interested, you can listen here: http://www.tonyjalicea.com/2011/02/maintaining-relationships-from-a-place-of-sonship/
Yes. It’s great to become good friends with girls, but the whole dating thing is just unecessary in high school. Thanks for the link! I will definitely check it out!
What a fantastic way to look at it, Tony. You took something that the world means for bad (marriage divorce) and have allowed God to turn it for good. It’s going to be a hard road but you can do it.
It’s been a crazy road but it’s definitely looking much better these days!
“But a consistent focus on self will lead you to divorcing your relationships. It’s a ploy to divide and conquer through deception. If we fall for it, we become divorce experts.”
I’ve fallen for this deception too many times to count. So many times in my life I would leave if people got too close or if things in life got too hard. It’s the self focus that is the real relationship killer. I pray every single day to be less selfish. Taking the easy way out is no longer an option.
Awesome post, Tony. I am so proud of you.
I’m right there with you. My biggest problem was not getting close but conflict. I’ve always been so non-confrontational that issues were never addressed head on. I always looked at confrontation as a negative thing. Now I understand that healthy confrontation is CRITICAL to sustaining a relationship. I still don’t love confrontation but I don’t run from it anymore either.
Thank you KT. You are awesomniferous.
Good stuff again T. We are so quick on the “divorce trigger”. We don’t take time to evaluate our relationships to people and/or God. I’m sure there are people who have “divorced” God because He wasn’t meeting their needs. A shame really.
I think good relationships, churches and friendships are worth fighting for. Something you don’t hear much today.
I know a lot of people that “divorced” God. It’s so sad because a lot of the wrong views that have of God were taught to them by others.
I know you’re with me in fighting for relationships. That’s another reason why you’re awesome!
I did the exact same thing in relationship all too often for years of my life. Finally, several years ago, I decided that I would not live like that; that I would be cautious with my heart. Then I became over cautious and wouldn’t let anyone too close. I am finally learning the balance between the two so that when I am in another relationship, I will be cautious enough not to give my heart too quickly, but not so cautious that I don’t let them in when I need to.
Such a good point, April! It definitely takes discernment to navigate relationships. You don’t want to give your heart away like samples in the grocery isle. You also don’t want to build Fort Knox around your heart either. Both of those are rooted in fear…and we all know what perfect love does!
People can have such a skewed idea of divorce, even within a biblical context. Last year, on her birthday, one of my best friends had an aunt sit her down and tell her that Jesus died on the cross so she could be happy, and by staying in an unhappy marriage she was slapping Jesus in the face.
I am not kidding.
Honestly, I am SUCH a divorcer (quitter) that it’s an absolute miracle that I’ve stayed married for 11 years! Lol.
Wow, that hurts my heart. I know too many people that get (and give) that kind of advice regularly.
11 years is nothing to sneeze at (unless you throw pepper in my face). I’m sure God paired you up with someone that won’t let you quit (why did I just have that line from Brokeback Mountain pop in my head?).
Ugh, way to ruin my quitting mental image! Lol.
Awesome post Tony. Will be praying for ya bro. Very encouraging post!
Thanks Adam! I appreciate it!
Great post man! Guarding our heart is sooooo key, and not just with the ladytypes.
Oh snap, I owe u a covenant. I blame the baby. Check your email for some hot hot material this afternoon!
You are, by the way, one if my favorite comeback kids
How many years do you get to blame the baby for everything? Let me know because I’m going to be milking that one as long as I can!
I am also a passionate relational type dude…I dive into my relationships…I hate surface level stuff. I apopreciate that about you brother and I applaud (standing, hands clapping) your decision. Bless you Tony!
I can tell that you are, Jay! Thanks friend.
>>I’m aware of this now. I will no longer allow myself to take the easy way out of relationships. I value my relationships above all other things in my life. I am sowing that value today so I will reap a harvest in my covenants. My covenant with God. My covenant with the wife that God brings.
——————————
BOOM! And that, right there, is what separates sons from the casual believer. That right there is the difference between covenant and a convenient agreement that is based on the “what can you do for me” mentality of the worldly feminine spirit that is excused and endorsed in The Bride.
http://thefatherhoodofgod.org/2011/03/the-fatherhood-of-god-and-the-orphan-spirit/
Good stuff, Tony. You’re digging ever deeper into the treasures of sonship and covenant!
“The difference between covenant and convenient agreement”. I like the way you put that.
The subject of covenant has been swirling through my head a lot recently. I think I’m going to have another post on it tomorrow. Thanks bro!
Excellent post Tony. I concur with Jim that you made a fantastic connection between your marital divorce and other thought patterns. Quitting seems to be the norm these days. As a pastor I struggle with people who say, “I decided that the other church offers me more so I am moving on.” commitments shattered. Lives hurt. It hurts even more when someone divorces their life from the influence of Jesus. Divorce must stop.
Churches have become so consumer-driven. It makes sense to find a community that fits your family well but at the same time, the church isn’t Burger King. Part is a change of mind of the community. Part is a change of mind in the leadership. But that’s for another post!
Man Tony – that was beautifully written! Love the connection between your marital divorce and the thought pattern through the years. Excellent encouragement and thoughts.
Thanks Jim. This has been heavy on my heart for awhile.