Pride or Unworthiness?
I am terrible at receiving gifts. In a way, I’ve taken pride in that. If you give me a gift it’s not enough for me to be thankful, I’m going to pay you back. I don’t struggle with actually accepting gifts but I can’t leave it there. I always feel that in the back of my mind, reciprocation is required.
I was raised to be a thankful person. I am grateful that this characteristic was ingrained in me from a young age (see there!). There are few things I find more discouraging than a thankless person. But the thing is that thankfulness doesn’t always require reciprocity.
In the book Linchpin, Seth Godin talks about the power of giving gifts. He states that the best gifts are those that cannot be repaid. In his chapter about the powerful culture of gifts, he says:
“It’s reciprocity that turned the gift system into the gift economy. Suddenly, giving a gift becomes an obligation, one demanding payment, not a gift at all.”
I don’t think I’m the only one that struggles with receiving gifts. I see people struggle on a daily basis with accepting the greatest gift ever given. People either struggle with pride or with unworthiness. They are both a curse of reciprocity.
Pride says I earned the gift. It says that I’ve done so well with myself that I deserve this or any gift I’m given.
Unworthiness says that I don’t deserve the gift. I’ve done nothing to earn it and I can’t possibly accept it. If I do accept it, I will do everything in my power to pay it back.
Every time you struggle with pride, you’re saying that God’s gift was earned. Every time you struggle with unworthiness, you can’t accept or you try to pay back a gift that you can never repay. All the penance in the world will never reciprocate the sacrifice that was given for our lives.
The only proper response to a gift we could never earn or never repay is simply, “Thank you”.
Do you struggle with receiving gifts? What’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever received?
This makes me think about writing thank you’s. I used to be really good about it. But, now I feel like it’s a weird way of saying “since you gave me X, I owe you a card”. It can be so mechanical and obligatory. But, once I got a thank for a gift where the friend actually wrote a thank you for my friendship, and not the material gift I gave her. Since then, I’ve tried to always do the same.
I don’t like the feeling of “I owe you”. That’s when I have a problem receiving gifts, because it makes me feel indebted to the person.
I sometimes struggle with receiving gifts. Sometimes I am more concerned with what to give back than being thankful for the gift in the first place.
Also, I think generously giving with no intentions of receiving anything in return helps combat this.
I agree but I feel like sometimes I still get caught up. While I don’t expect anything in return, the equation doesn’t always work from the other side. I’m working on it and I want to learn to be a good receiver, not just a good giver.
I used to be really bad at receiving compliments. One day, a photographer friend who’s actually kind of famous told me that I need to learn to just say “thank you” and accept the blessing. That’s stuck with me for like 2 years.
Who, Jeremy Cowart?
No, not quite. He’s a documentary filmmaker, so he’s more known in those circles, and in the Detroit area.
I wonder if this is an universal thing, across all cultures, or just a North American consumer thing. Is it because we don’t like to be reminded of our less than generous times? I really don’t know and don’t mean to put anyone down by asking.
I definitely think a big part of it stems from our consumer culture. Godin hits on this in his book. Really good stuff.
I, like most people, do struggle with receiving gifts but lately I’ve been receiving huge gifts that I can never repay so that helps some. And actually I really need to hoist writing thank you cards to top priority on my to do list.
I, like most people, do struggle with receiving gifts but lately I’ve been receiving huge gifts that I can never repay so that helps some. And actually I really need to hoist writing thank you cards to top priority on my to do list.
There’s really nothing like a hand-written thank you card. They are like a rare species these days.
Charlie,
Isn’t God faithful? Oh yeah.
I really love that about Him. He has you right where He wants you, my friend.
I have struggled mostly with compliments, which are a type of gift. God has put some great people in my life to help me with this.
That’s been the key for me. People in my life who constantly encourage/compliment me is one of the biggest blessings I’ve ever received. Now if I could find some rich friends that could teach me how to receive monetary gifts…
This is something I’ve struggled with as well, but I have had to learn to just say “thank you” because I’ve received so many gifts as single mom that there is no way I can ever repay. Everytime someone babysits my daughter for free, I feel like I need to babysit for them (which they almost never let me do). Every Christmas it seems like I won’t have money for gifts and every year someone has either given me money or I’ve received money annoymously or someone has annoymously paid off my layaway. I’ve been very blessed, but it has been a hard lesson to learn, and I still struggle with it.
Wow, that’s a great testimony Jenn. I love that you’ve had many opportunities to receive without even being able to reciprocate. I’m sure you have cultivated quite a thankful heart!
We might not be able to repay our gift from God, but at least we can take up our cross and follow Him. The gift I find hard to take is when people thank me or compliment my work. I just don’t know what do do with appreciation, but I have figured out how to repay it. If somone says thank you; say your welcome.
Absolutely Jess. Taking up our cross and following is the only logical response to such a great gift. Not trying to pay it back, but that is the only response that shows true thankfulness.
I don’t know that I personally struggle with reciprocity because most of the time I’m like “Cool! Thanks for the free stuff!”
However, I’ve really observed this “issue” between female family members and it can start real fights.
Take the gift. Say “thank you”. Done.
That’s pretty cool, KC. I don’t know many people that have your perspective…but I like it!
I don’t know that I personally struggle with reciprocity because most of the time I’m like “Cool! Thanks for the free stuff!”
However, I’ve really observed this “issue” between female family members and it can start real fights.
Take the gift. Say “thank you”. Done.
I do struggle receiving gifts. Mostly because I feel as if I am not worth it or have not worked to earn it.
Best gift ever was a fathers day card my wife and son made me. Love stuff like that…
Home-made cards from the kiddos seem to be pretty popular. Still, I feel like if my kids can save up their pennies from the lemonade stand and buy me an iPad, I would be the happiest dad in the world!
TONY! YES! I struggle with this a LOT. I’m getting better though. My spiritual life has taught me that gratitude is a gift in itself and that immediate reciprocity can often cheapen it’s value. Instead of rushing to buy something for someone who has given me a gift I try, instead, to look for an opportunity to do something to help them, ease a burden or share their light with someone else.
Definitely, Cam. I know if I do something for someone and they immediately try to reciprocate, it completely diminishes what I tried to give them. It kinda hurts my feelings too. Then I take my gift back and run home!
It is hard sometimes, but I’ve learned that I can’t pay back everything and most people don’t expect it. They are more than happy with our thankfulness. Sometimes they are responding to kindness or care we’ve shown in the past so all we can do is live a lifestyle of giving and love. Great post, Tony. Thanks.
There’s a song by a group called Waterdeep called “Come Fall On Us”. The chorus goes: “A thankful heart prepares the way for you, my God”. I try to keep that in the forefront. The best way to receive a gift is with a thankful heart and gladness!
Yes, yes indeed! When people give gifts in exchange for gifts it becomes an obligation… or Christmas (ouch).
I do struggle with receiving gifts. As for the best gift? My wife got me this for Christmas:
http://www.zagg.com/accessories/logitech-ipad-2-keyboard-case (Love it)
Worst: I once got a yearly subscription to Playboy magazine. I mean really! (crazy)
Don’t get me started on Christmas!
And man, that iPad case is straight win! Good wifey you got there!
So did you keep the issues for research? You know, so you could know how to minister to those young boys that struggle with lust issues??
LOL on the playboy idea. That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day today. Keep it loose Alice!
Ah…worst gift. Easy.
When I was 16, I was at my grandparents for the annual family Christmas gathering. Instead of gifts for everyone, we each had drawn a name earlier in the year. People started opening gift after gift that was obviously chosen just for that person…something that they liked or needed or wanted.
It was my turn. Inside my package was…sweatpants.
One pair.
I NEVER wore sweatpants as a kid. NOT. EVEN. ONCE.
As if it wasn’t bad enough, there was a tag in there that said they were on sale for $3.99 and the receipt inside said they were bought the day they drove to the family gathering.
It was the last Christmas I spent with the family…I always made sure I was working every year after that.
They didn’t even get a 3-pack? Lame city!
I’m definitely not a big receiver in getting gifts. I get more pleasure in being the giver of gifts because I know the feeling of receiving the unexpected, or the unexpected at just the right time. That sounds retarded I know. But,I guess it does boil down to a pride thing…
It’s crazy right? What I’ve found is that when I have a “giver” in my life, I learn to receive whether I like it or not! Thanks Meeka!
Over the past two years, I’m slowly learning what it means to receive without trying to reciprocate and, in essence, pay for the gift.
I’ve always been a pretty generous person – taking students out to dinner, giving them money for gas, buying a book or two to help them grow in their faith, cooking meals, letting them borrow my car…whatever. But as I’ve been un- and under employed the last 2.5 years, I haven’t had the money to do all that. In a lot of cases, some of the students were paying for me to go to dinner or like even today, I borrowed one of my students’ cars because mine is in the shop and I didn’t want to miss a day of work. My initial response was – I’ll buy you a steak or something when we are in Czech. I couldn’t even receive the use of a car without thinking it needed to be reciprocated.
I’m working on it.
It’s tough man but I believe once we get over ourselves, we’ll start a revolution of giving!
The best gift (other than salvation and my children), was money donated in my name to further a cause I care about so deeply. That meant more than I could say and brought me to tears.
Worst gift ever: Barbie underwear from a family member – I was 12. weird.
I gave up on tangible repayment of gifts long ago, when I no longer had a job and no way to buy, afford to make gifts. However, I still feel the need to repay kindness with kindness and do something else for people who do or give nice things to me. I need to learn the art of thank you.
Sweet cuppin’ cakes! That’s awesome that you had someone sow financially into your dream.
And wow, Barbie underwear. I think underwear at any age over 6 is creeper city, though. Then again, I did get a pair of Guitar Hero boxer shorts a few years ago. But I digress…
I have an awful time receiving gifts…because I totally feel like I need to send thank you cards, give a gift in return or do something to deserve it. And…I don’t like looking too eager for the gift. Great advice here, Tony!
I think thank you cards are great as long as you do it because you’re thankful and not because you feel obligated. That’s the fine line that becomes difficult to navigate sometimes.
The best gift I have received was eternal life… of course! We could not live without that one.
Material wise though I was given a car a few months ago by my grandparents! That was awesome because I could have never afforded a car, and God gave it to me!
I was waiting for the Jesus Juke. Congratulations Brandon, you were the first to make it happen.
Jesus Juke…That is classic!
I’m better than I used to be, but I do still struggle with receiving and not feeling like I need to give back. I used to buy all of my friends and family gifts for every occasion, even when I couldn’t afford it. I learned that all they really want is my time, my love, my acceptance, my laughter, my conversation, my understanding, and for me to just listen. I am happy to give those gifts.
The best gift I’ve ever gotten is someone that loves me just the way I am and shows me every day. Priceless.
Oh and this: http://www.tonyjalicea.com/2011/04/ive-got-this-friend/.
It’s been my favorite gift to give.
I do struggle with receiving gifts, though mine is because I feel unworthy. I do not struggle with teh reciprocity issue of it, but just the general receiving, even the gift of words of praise or encouragement.
I know exactly what you mean. You wouldn’t think so, but one of the most difficult lessons is just learning to say “thank you”.
Great message, thank you as I have also struggled wtih this!
I feel ya, Tony. I think it’s because I know people who have no problem receiving gifts (or maybe you can call them handouts)… while I feel I have a responsibility to work for what I receive. It’s tough.
Best gift? Probably a homemade card from my kids..
I feel ya, Tony. I think it’s because I know people who have no problem receiving gifts (or maybe you can call them handouts)… while I feel I have a responsibility to work for what I receive. It’s tough.
Best gift? Probably a homemade card from my kids..
I can’t wait to have kids for just that reason. And to have someone to take out the trash for me.
What’s awesome is this: you can “time” everything. For example, “Hey Sophia, go throw this away for me. Okay? Ready… Set… Go! (start counting) One…. two…. three….”
They sprint to the trash can and toss it out as quickly as possible!
Hmm…I wonder if that only works with kids. I may have an idea brewing. “Get me a sandwich, woman! Three…two…”
one! this you said here was so totally wrong. you should be repaid for that gem – that’s the gift that should just keep on giving
Katie got me a sandwich this weekend so I’m 1/1 so far.
I keed, I keed!!
Tony, if you do that you will never have kids…
Oh dear. I worry for Sophia. Not only if she trips and falls, but you are allowing her to get germs from the garbage. SMH! LOL.
C’mon man. Admit it! You do the same.
OK, I do the same… and more!
I get a little weired out when I get unannounced gifts. If it’s a birthday etc that is fine. I agree with Seth’s statement though.
It all of a sudden takes the gift giving out of the equation. You almost have to preface it with, YOU DONT OWE ME ANYTHING, this is just BECAUSE!
Yeah, I find myself prefacing gifts in the way too. I’d love to see what Godin talks about, a culture of gift givers…just because.
My mother and her side of the family (my grandfather whom I truly admired and “worshiped” and grandmother) were givers in every sense of the word. I find myself in that same vein. Hope that is not seen as bragging. I love giving things to people and seeing their face light up. I love doing things anonymously and then hearing how they are blown away by someone’s generosity. Receiving? I don’t do so well.
I have learned to be grateful but I have also learned that reciprocity is not always in order. That is why I prefer to be first and expect nothing back. Good thoughts Tony. BTW: I would rather be generous and sometimes taken for granted than be a miserly, selfish man.
I am continually amazed at how those who give so selflessly have a difficult time receiving. It’s like they completely forget the joy they get when they give. By not receiving joyfully, we rob those who desire to bless us without reciprocation.
I’ve been trying to keep that at the forefront of my mind lately. I don’t want to rob anyone’s joy in giving.
It’s hard for me not to keep score when it comes to gifts, and fall into that obligation trap. But there are those situations where I will never be able to reciprocate. Perhaps paying it forward? Hmm…
Some of the best gifts were ones that were made for me – especially from my children. Home-made Father`s Day cards, or crayon sketches made and given for no special occasion at all. It may sound corny, but for me it really is the thought that counts.
I’m still trying to figure out how to get you a life-sized Darth Vader wax sculpture to pay you back for my toy Yoda.
That would be awesome. If it makes it any easier, I’d settle for Dark Helmet from Spaceballs.
Even though my primary love language is gifts, I used to have a hard time receiving…because I felt unworthy. And then there came a time in my life when I really NEEDED…and I couldn’t say no. But I learned how to say ‘thank you’. Now I just feel really blessed.
Your comment on my last post sparked this thought and when I read the passage in Godin’s book, I knew I had to write about it. Thanks Nikki.
Tony, I’m in that boat with you. I have a hard time receiving things from people without trying to pay them back. Honestly, this is something God has had to work with me on. Because the very heartbeat of the Gospel is giving without repaying. There’s nothing we can do to earn or give back to God. I love the Seth Godin example. Thanks for your heart, man. We need more people out there like you!
Godin’s book is rocking my world. Not only is it giving me business savvy but I find so many poignant things to relate to my walk with God. Thanks Bryan!