Do you want to live an exceptional life?

Exceptional living can take various forms. It might be writing the book, you’ve always dreamed of. Digging wells in Africa. Traversing the Appalachian trial. Feeding the hungry in an impoversihed nation. Or maybe even white water rafting in the Grand Canyon.

What do you need to live exceptionally? Motivation of course…well sort of.

We read many books, blogs, and all sorts of media on the subject of motivation. If you are motivated you will succeed. You will reach new heights, you will increase your blog traffic, make a million in a year building Apple iPhone apps.

But motivation is not everything. Motivation is what gets your engine going. So I equate it to gasoline. If you don’t have gasoline in the tank of your car, you are not going to be able to even get the engine started, let alone begin your journey to wherever it is that you are going.

Motivation is a key ingredient to get you where you want to go. But motivation will not keep you there.

The problem with motivation is that it is fleeting. It can change with your mood. It can be changed by your surroundings. It depends too much on feelings and external forces.

In order to get to your destination, keep you there, and live exceptionally, you have to get accustomed. That’s right, you read it correctly – accustomed.

There is a passage in the Bible, Luke 4:16, where it talks about Jesus being accustomed going to the synagogue on the Sabbath. Jesus was not motivated to go to the synagogue, nor was he moved by the spirit, he was simply accustomed. Going to the synagogue was part of Jesus’ daily, customary life while on earth.

Jesus was being persecuted, mocked, ridiculed, and questioned on a regular basis. Do you really believe he relied on motivation, to go to the temple, heal the sick, and pray on a regular basis? Put yourself in Jesus’ shoes. Would you be motivated to do things he did while on earth under those circumstances?

Being accustomed, is making a habit, which creates consistency, and helps you stay focused.

What is being accustomed:

• It is going to work when you don’t feel like it because your new born child kept you awake all night.
• It is going to the gym to work out when you don’t feel like it because you are tired.
• It is spending time with your spouse and children when you don’t feel like it because of hard day at work.
• It is helping the poor when you don’t feel like because you know it’s the right thing to do.

So if you ever wonder why you are not living exceptionally, it’s not because of a lack of motivation, it’s a lack of being accustomed.

What do you need to get accustomed to in order to live exceptionally?

###

Juan has been married for over 9 years with a beautiful blended family of 5 daughters. He’s been born again for over 28 years, and like many Christians, has been through the peaks and valleys of his Christian life. He blogs at Leading Everyday.

When I was a kid, I had big dreams. I dreamed of being a Broadway actor. I dreamed of opening my own baseball card store. I dreamed of flying in outer space. I dreamed of creating a new town where pollution was low, where people got along, and where people were proud to live and work.

What happened to these dreams?

Maybe some of these dreams were unrealistic. Maybe some of my interests changed as life moved forward. Maybe. But maybe somewhere along the way I stopped dreaming.

It’s easy to allow the realities, pressures, and challenges of daily living to dampen our dream mechanism. We grow complacent with the status quo. We become content with puny passions.

What happened to dreaming big?
How can we reawaken our capacity and desire to dream big?

These are questions that have me STRETCHING these days. Here are some answers I’ve discovered along the journey:

1. Don’t put God in a box. Our dreams start with a definition of what is possible. When we put God in a box, we’re saying our faith is only this big – what is possible is finite. But the Bible says “with God ALL things are possible.” When we begin to grasp this concept, we open up a whole new perspective on dreaming.

2. Don’t let the haters drag you down. These are the ones who put limits on us. Those negative people who walk around with a black cloud overhead stifle our dreams. People like this tell us we can’t do it. They tell us it’s not worth the risk. They would rather sit around grumbling than getting up and doing something that matters. To combat this tendency, we need to surround ourselves with positive people – with other dreamers. The writer of Hebrews talks about the importance of meeting regularly with people who will spur us on (Hebrews 10:24-25). We need people around us who will lift us up and spur us on to bigger dreams.

3. Don’t let your dreams go by unrecorded. We all have thoughts and ideas that come in and out of our heads. Some of our ideas are crazy, and some may seem way too big to tackle. I would encourage you to write down these thoughts and ideas. Keeping a journal of our dreams is the first step in making these dreams come true. A journal provides a place to record and to process our dreams. On the pages of a dream journal sits the sparks that could ignite the flames of major dream achievement.

4. Don’t wait until tomorrow. Finally, if you want to dream big, start today. Don’t put off dreaming and living out your dreams for another day or the perfect moment. The apostle Paul talks about making the most of every opportunity. This passage is most often attributed to sharing our faith, but I think we can also take it as a call to action – a call to dream big starting right now!

My days as a Broadway actor or a baseball card shop owner or an astronaut may be over, but I believe there’s more ahead of me than I realize. Discovering these paths starts with learning again how to dream big, having faith to take the leap, and trusting God along the way.

Time to dream big!

Are you still dreaming big? What are you dreaming about? What’s holding you back from pursuing your dreams?

###

Jon Stolpe is a Christ-follower, husband, dad, son, uncle, engineer, runner, writer, operations manager, adventurer, group life junkie, and the list goes on…. Jon blogs daily about life’s “Stretch Marks” at Jon Stolpe Stretched. You can also follow him on Twitter or Facebook.

Ironically, telling a good story isn’t the same as living a good story. Even great storytellers can live boring lives.

In the past I’ve had a difficult time coming up with stories about my own life. I have no problem taking someone else’s story and telling it well. But the story I lived didn’t always seem all that interesting.

There are a couple of reasons why I wasn’t living a better story.

Fear of Conflict Kills Your Story

I’ve thought about the handful of times when I actually had a story to tell. Every single story I can think of consisted of me being afraid of something, then eventually facing the conflict head on.

Every relationship problem I’ve ever encountered revolved around conflict. Fear caused me to run through every possible negative scenario in my mind. I figured conflict could only result in a negative outcome, worst of which is the termination of the relationship.

I actually found that the opposite is true. Every conflict I avoided led to problems and at times, the end of the relationship. But every time I was able to overcome my fear and face the conflict, I lived a better story.

Fear of Change Kills Your Story

Nobody likes change. If you say you like change, you’re lying. Or you’re running from something. Or you’re crazy. Take your pick.

We are creatures of habit and comfort. We desire safety. Change is an unknown variable that disrupts our equation of safety. But at some point in everyone’s story, change is required. And the longer we hold out on change, the longer we stay in the same chapter of our lives.

One way fear manifests in our lives is through control. When we can control our situation, we feel safe and protected. The problem is that we become independent and we can no longer trust anyone other than ourselves.

I’m reading Don Miller’s book “A Million Miles In A Thousand Years” and it’s rocking my world in how it relates to living a better story. He writes this passage about fear:

“Before I realized we were supposed to fight fear, I thought of fear as a subtle suggestion in our subconscious designed to keep us safe, or more important, keep us from getting humiliated.”

When I read that, I shuddered. I realized that a fear of being humiliated may very well be at the core of my inability to live well.

Information Is Not Enough

Early in the book Don realizes that just because you want to live a better story, doesn’t mean that you will. You have to be intentional about facing conflict and embracing change.

This is the turning point in our life. It’s where so many well-intentioned people fall short of greatness. It’s where so many people that desire to serve God end up turning away.

There’s a big difference between a desire and a decision.

I don’t want to just tell great stories, I want to live one. And so I leave you with one last quote from the book:

“Not living a better story would be like deciding to die, deciding to walk around numb until you die, and it’s not natural to want to die.”

How do you live a better story?
How do you deal with conflict and change? 

###

Speaking of stories, I just became a Staff Writer over at Prodigal Magazine. We’re a community of people, all different ages, backgrounds, ethnicities, and geographical locations who come together to share their stories on one common platform. Check it out!

We love going there not just because the food is great (I could seriously eat my body weight in chicken nuggets) but the service is stellar.

As soon as we walk in we are greeted by name. We receive a big smile from Frank, the hospitality manager (that’s his title, no kidding) and a high-five from Shiloh who ensures our beverages are always refilled. It’s like coming home for lunch, except I don’t have to eat a microwaved meal whilst being subjected to daytime television.

In my last trip, I got to meet Seth, the owner. He rang up my order and asked me what my name was. He didn’t ask it for my order, he seemed genuinely interested in finding out my name. I felt like a celebrity. I had to refrain from autographing my receipt and giving it back to him.

As we were on our way out, Frank gets the attention of our group (there were 5 of us total). He indicated that another gentleman was about to get a tour of the back and he asked if we wanted to come a long. We all looked at each other, shrugged and said sure.

As we toured the back, the owner Seth showed me exactly why Chick-Fil-A is so good at what it does. Here are some takeaways:

1. People are the greatest assest

He really meant this. He told me that he hand selects each employee that he hires. The quality he most looks for is a servant’s heart. Even the ones that work in the back away from the customers have to exhibit a desire to serve others.

I also found out that he doesn’t pay anyone minimum wage. He ensures that everyone feels valued. You can’t feel part of a family if you don’t feel valued.

There are over 50 people that work at that location alone. I was baffled by that but then he explained why. He wanted to always be able to accomodate schedules and time off. With a larger staff, he was able to attain consistency in scheduling for those that really needed it. No one is over worked since there is always someone to carry the load.

He expects his employees to work hard so he works hard to show them they are valued and appreciated.

2. Establish a high bar of quality

“If food sits for more than 20 minutes, we throw it out.” When you set a high bar and meet it consistently, people trust you. If they know that what you are delivering is going to be good, they will continue to come back.

He walked us to their shelves and showed us all the name brand products they use. Kraft mayo, Hershey’s syrup, Domino sugar, etc. He said that he could cut some corners by using generic products but everyone would taste the difference. He would rather invest in the good stuff to maintain that higher bar of quality.

He refused to have a dollar menu because he affirmed that none of what he makes is only worth a dollar.

3. Cast the vision consistently

As a manager of 12 people for 5 years I asked him a question that was burning in me. I asked, “How do you keep people motivated to work so hard on a regular basis? I mean, this is fast food after all.” He smiled and said, “It’s about sharing my vision for what we are doing.” But then he said something I wasn’t expecting. He said, “You can’t just cast that vision once, you have to keep doing it or people forget why they are there.”

The whole experience left my head spinning. I knew this guy was the real deal. I come into his store almost every week and I see the fruit of his words.

I came back to the office and got excited about the application in our community. We just started a membership class of sorts at my church. But it’s less about foundational teachings and more about what it means to be part of our community. It’s called Harbour DNA. In 3 classes we share the story of where things started up through where we are today, we share the culture and values of our community and then we share the value of servanthood and how to get connected.

We decided to run this back to back throughout the entire year. This will be the first time we cast vision on a consistent basis and I’m confident that it will be a game changer.

I’m not an advocate for taking business principles and applying them to the kingdom. They are two VERY different realities. The economy of the world operates differently than the economy of the kingdom.

What I realized in this trip is that the owner of Chick-Fil-A’s focus wasn’t profit, it was people and service. And that to me was the difference. I saw how he was actually taking kingdom principles and applying them to business.

Kingdom principles are transcendent into any sphere of influence we may live in. Once applied, we see the fruit of what was promised. If these principles are not applied, we lose what was given to us.

“Therefore I tell you, the kingdom of God will be taken away from you and given to a people producing its fruits.” Matthew 21:43

Are you a fan of Chick-Fil-A? 
What are your thoughts on business principles vs kingdom principles? 

But there are great things happening in my marriage. I’m learning a lot about what it means to be a man. I’m learning that even when you think you have issues from your past dealt with, they still have a tendency to creep in subtly if you aren’t on guard.

Last year I wrote a guest post called The Weight of Expectation. It talked about how when we put the weight of expectation on our relationships, they end up in disappointment. It was actually eerily similar to my post this week. The post from last year talks about shifting from expectation to expectancy and I used that same verse in Romans 5, that I used this week.

As I reflect on what I wrote, I realize that it doesn’t matter how much information you have in your head about a subject. What matters is that you walk it out with someone. And for this lesson to “take,” I’ve had to walk it out in my marriage.

Becoming One

It may not seem like a big deal on the surface but it’s important to communicate about household chores. It’s incredible to see how much resentment can build up when someone doesn’t do the dishes.

This is something that I’ve recently had to navigate. I can’t tell you that I have a formulaic answer. But I can tell you what worked for us.

Heart change.

We finally got honest about how we felt and uncovered expectations that we had constructed in our minds. We brought it to the light and almost instantly the power of offense was removed.

It’s beautiful to see that when you quickly expose an issue, it quickly loses power. It’s only when we let issues fester that they build into a monster.

Marriage has been a constant lesson of heart change. I’m constantly becoming less of who I am and more of who WE are.

It’s a lifelong lesson in oneness. One mind, one heart, one love.

###

If you want to read my full story on what happened with the chores, please check out my guest post today called “So Who Does The Dishes?” in Prodigal Magazine. It’s an online magazine run by two great friends of mine, Darrell and Ally Vesterfelt. After you read mine, read through some of the other stories on the site. They are powerful!

I can’t possibly understand what she’s going through. I am confident that if you needed further proof to believe that women can sustain pain long term better than men, just look at pregnancy. I would have tapped out in the first trimester. I HATE throwing up!

I’m praying that this process is over for her soon. And yet at the same time, I know that it can’t be over too soon. The baby has to come to full term before she’s ready to enter into this world. If she were born as soon as the pain began, she wouldn’t have survived.

Enlarged In The Waiting

Even amidst morning sickness, discomfort, swelling, back pain and everything else associated with pregnancy, my friend knows that a miracle is being formed inside of her.

This is her second child and I know she takes comfort in the fact that as soon as her baby comes, she will have forgotten about all the struggles of the past 9 months. The miracle of childbirth will outweigh all of the pain and discomfort of the process.

This what I have to remember in my own life. 

Everything of purpose has a process. Nothing of significance happens overnight. The greater the purpose, the more intense the process.

The Message translates Romans 8:24-25 like this:

That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

Waiting is part of the process. When things seem to get more difficult in the waiting, I know that it means that something huge is being formed inside of me.

There is a temptation to induce at first signs of struggle. Too many times I interpret struggle as an indication that I’m doing something wrong. However the more difficult the situation, the more I can learn from it.

Every difficulty is an opportunity to form endurance and character. These two traits produce the key to seeing the process through to the end. They produce hope. And hope does not put us to shame (Rom. 5:3-5).

If I give up at the first signs of struggle, the very thing that is forming inside of me will be aborted. Instead of giving birth to life, I give birth to disappointment.

But as I persevere and the trials get bigger, I am enlarged in the waiting. Just like my friend, I know that what is forming in me will be miraculous.

When I focus on the pain, I lose sight of what is coming. But when I embrace the process, my waiting becomes expectant…joyfully expectant.

When my friend sees her baby for the first time, I know she’ll be reassured that all the pain was worth it.

It doesn’t make waiting shorter, but a change in perspective will shift it from frustration to expectancy.

What are you waiting for?
Are you in need of a perspective shift right now? 

***

In the past four months of my life I got married, moved across the country, and joined a team of people planting a church in West Palm Beach, FL. Sometimes all the commotion and chaos leaves me wondering:

Wow, life is hard as it is. Why on earth am I doing this all at once?

Why would I step into a season where fear, frustration and failure are just plain inevitable? Isn’t life hard enough? Why would I choose to live through a season that I could have predicted — just with basic life wisdom — would be so uncomfortable?

The first answer is that God told me to, and I’m being obedient.

But the less obvious answer, the answer I’m learning as I walk through this difficult season, is that fear, frustration and failure are actually important parts of life.

I can spend my whole life avoiding fear, frustration and failure or, I can embrace each of these things and learn what they have to teach me.

Here’s why I am learning to embrace them.

Fear is just a feeling and feelings can’t hurt you.

Your fear can’t hurt you. The thing you’re afraid of might be able to hurt you, maybe. But what I find more often than not is that the object of my fear is less threatening than the fear itself.

What are you most afraid of? I’m afraid of being insignificant.

I’m recently married and for the first time in my life I’m working a very regular, Monday-Friday, 9-5, kind of job. I’ve never worked one of these kinds of jobs in my life before, not because I’m not a hard worker, just because it’s not really my style.

I like to do my own things. Start new, step out in faith and do something “courageous.” I was terrified to “settle” for a “regular” job.

Turns out courage for me, in this season, means doing something mundane in order to lead my family.

My fear feels real. I’m terrified that I’ll wake up one day, 40 years down the road and realize I accidentally got stuck. That somehow I forgot to stop dreaming, that instead I just woke up each day, left the house, and came home with nothing more to show for it than a few bucks I didn’t have when I started.

That would be my nightmare.

But the only way to realize that my fear wasn’t real was to face it. I had to get up, go to work, and realize that it isn’t possible for me to lose the drive that God has put in my heart to do something meaningful. To realize that I don’t have to choose between something significant and leading my family.

To realize that leading my family might just be the most significant thing I ever do.

Fear is a good thing because when we face our fear we realize that the fear actually doesn’t have the power over us that we thought it did. And when we realize that we become more powerful, more confident, more prepared to face what comes next.

Frustration.

I don’t know about you but I get frustrated pretty easily. Someone cuts me off in traffic and I’m outraged. The manager of my apartment doesn’t do what she says she will — for weeks — and I feel like cussing her out. Those are just the little frustrations.

Consider it pure joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance, and perseverance must finish it’s work in you so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. – James 1:2

Facing frustration builds maturity. It reminds me of my place in the universe.
I’m not in charge. I’m not the most important. My needs don’t come before the needs of others.

Frustrations slow me down.

It is only when I face difficulties and frustrations that I am able to come to maturity by owning my own response. Stuff happens. That’s a given. The only variable is my response.

How will I respond?

Will I be mature and complete, not lacking anything? Or will I respond in anger and immaturity? The only way to become mature is to embrace — rather than resist — my frustrations and to learn to control my response to them.

Failure.

Failure is part of life. You will fail. In fact, you’ll fail significantly more times than you succeed. You might risk big and fail. Or you might do nothing — and that will be your biggest failure. There is no such thing as a life without failure.

Failure is necessary and important and inevitable part of life.

Get used to it. Get over it.

Failure teaches us about our humanity. It isn’t good to live in a space where we believe we can’t fail. The result of that is called pride, which is what got Satan kicked out of heaven, it’s what got Adam and Eve expelled from the Garden, and it was the primary reason Jesus chastised the Pharisees.

Practice failure. Practice admitting failure. If you think you haven’t failed, you’re lying, which is failure in itself. Failure is a necessary and inevitable and important part of life.

Success requires failure because failure teaches you what you need to know to be successful.

When I have a conflict with my wife, I can feel defeated that I “failed” as a husband, or I can let my failure inform me. When I said ______, it hurt her feelings. Next time I won’t say that again. Or, I won’t say it in the same way.

If you always do what you always done you’ll always be what you’ve always been.

Failure is only dangerous if you don’t admit to it, and if you don’t allow it to inform where you’re going.

I’m walking through a difficult season, sure. I’m facing frustrations, definitely. There are opportunities for failure all around me. But I’m trusting that God is using it for something. How about you?

How is God asking you to face fear, frustration or failure?
How are you choosing to respond?

Darrell is a the president of Prodigal Magazine and church planter in West Palm Beach, Florida who believes in the power of stories to change the world. His life’s passion is to help people to tell their story so they can see and understand the truth of God at work in their lives. You can connect with him on Twitter.

Commiseration was a key point of solidarity. Over warmed up Hot Pockets, I discovered that the degree to which you hated your job was equivalent to the number of years in the same department.

In my 5 years on the job, I did find some solace in commiseration. At first it was a way to realize that I wasn’t alone. I needed to know that I wasn’t the only one frustrated with how the company did business in certain areas. But then it just became a way to blow off steam.

After an especially heated conversation with a customer or employee in another department, complaining was a cathartic exercise. It was a temporary release of frustration to completely berate the object of my vexation without actually having to confront the issue.

Five years later when I had another job opportunity, I handed in my letter of resignation faster than the drip coffee could percolate.

Changing Your Mind

I see a parallel of my work situation in the church. I realize that there are a lot of problems in the church. It’s easy to complain about them. There’s a temptation to commiserate with others in the blog world as we feast on DiGiorno’s and disappointment.

At first it feels comforting. We need to feel like we’re not alone with what we’re feeling. We need to know that we’re not crazy. We need to know that maybe someone else is feeling frustrated too.

But we can’t stay there either. Because just like my fellow workers, the longer you stay in that job, the more you’re going to resent it. Eventually you’ll find something else and repeat the cycle.

But until we change our mind about the situation, the dissatisfaction is always going to catch up with us. One of my favorite quotes from Bill Johnson says:

The grass is always greener where you water it.

I know there are a lot of problems in the church. But I want to be part of the solution. I don’t want to be stuck in the break room of life, complaining about how much it sucks. I want to find creative ways to speak life into what I love.

If I sow a lifestyle of cynicism, disappointment and doubt, I can’t expect to reap hope, healing and resolve.

I realize that my commitment to God and His church is so much more important than any job I’ve ever had. So when I find a problem, I’m committed to seeking the truth and finding how to make it better. Because complaining about where I am or running away to somewhere else will never change anything. And I don’t plan on staying anywhere that isn’t changing and progressing.

How do you address the problems in the church?
Do you think it’s important to criticize, find solutions or both? 

Have you ever created something that you loved and then felt like you hated it?

I’ve actually apologized for my creativity. I’ve done it before anyone could make a comment just so that I can protect my heart from criticism.

There are some people to whom I will freely admit that I consider myself a writer. I have no problem accepting compliments and feeling proud of my accomplishments.

Then there are people I consider “real” writers. I don’t go around calling myself a writer in front of them. I talk about how much improvement I need. I talk about how I don’t write enough. I find every criticism I can think of. I do it many times without even being aware of it.

Criticism Is Not Failure

I find that I criticize myself in front of those I respect so that they understand that I don’t think that I have arrived. It’s my way of promising that I’ll get better. I feel that if I criticise myself first, it will lessen the blow of any criticism they may have.

I believed that criticism from someone I respect is a failure. But criticism is not failure. Criticism is either validation for what you intended or an invitation to improve.

Regardless of what kind of criticism it is, be it constructive or destructive, I have the choice to determine my perspective on it.

When I focus unnecessarily on criticism, it instills a fear of failure. It causes me to be safe with my choices. It causes me to devalue myself to protect my heart.

But with a healthy perspective on criticism, I can use to propel me forward rather than tear me down.

How do you handle criticism?
Have you ever criticised yourself in front of those you respect?

A good friend of mine named Carla just started blogging. She inspired me to something I’ve never had the courage to face with the right perspective:

Failure

More importantly, failing well. It’s easy to talk about, it’s quite another thing to live it. It requires living bravely, communicating bravely and doing so without apology. I’m not talking about trampling over people for your own mission. I’m talking about jumping without a net and not apologizing when you break your leg.

Like anyone else, I have a long list of things I want to accomplish. I want to write more. I want to publish something of value not directly related to my blog. I want to succeed at my new job. I want to eat better. I want to get healthy. Most importantly, I want to succeed at being a great husband in my first year of marriage.

But for the first time, I’m coming into this year expecting to fail. I expect to fail because I refuse to live safe and reserved like in years past.

I want to fail and fail well. Then get back on my feet and try something even more impossible. I want to do this all without apologizing.

I’m confident that every meaningful failure will lead to more growth than a safe victory ever could. I’m confident that every significant failure will lead me to a meaningful success because it is only when I am no longer afraid to fail that I will achieve the impossible.

The biggest failure for me this year will be if I never failed at something of significance.

So here’s to New Years and new beginnings, new failures and new successes!